Someone asked why I greet England goals on Twitter in the same way.
Let me explain.
Caution: This is not one of my regular blog posts about communications. If football or the early internet is not your thing skip this. Normal service will be resumed.
Where I learned to spot internet rumours
Everything I learned about the internet came from late 90s internet messageboards.
These places were early social media. You signed up with a pseudonym and then you took part in earnest debates on niche subjects.
With me, it was Stoke City and the Oatcake Messageboard set-up by the editors of the well-established The Oatcake fanzine.
That was the place where I first fell for internet rumours when ‘Lee Trundle seen in Hanley estate agents’ threads circulated. And I realised that you had to take things with a pinch of salt.
It was a community and as such had friends and enemies. You can still find it online. It has 4.9 million posts and represents a tremendous piece of Stoke and internet history.
One related forum was for League One fans. One regular poster was someone called Valiantitus who may or may not be real. He used to give detailed accounts of Port Vale games where goals were always greeted with BOOM! BOOM! BROOKER AWAG! LIQUID FOOTBALL GOAL EXPLOSION!
As a comic creation, this was Alan Partridge meets Fantasy Football.
There is little of his writing left on the web.
This is the Valiantitus match report when England reached the 2002 World Cup.
It’s why in homage I greet goals the same way.
Valiantitus’s England match report England v Greece
it was BECKHAM pure magic dream free kick dipping goal explosion crowd explosion england pubs explosion birches head explosion all over the country AWAG EXPLOSION as England make the world cup somewhere next year
“it is was and a game of greatness of important happenings with so much to go from and places to go i it was england vs greece and it was but not as many people thought it would turn out it did the way that it went but Old trafford sixty thosand people together as one though some say it could of been more but it they came out always a strange tunnel in the corner but boom god save the queen faithful and triumfant victorious long and faithful god save the queen they sung even beckham and then it kicked off and once again we watched it in the living room no problems no touch of frost this time to hold things back but it was saturday not wednesday night like last time and a day time kick off as nothing is on tv saturday afternoons maybe war films with soldiers but it was england match of the day me carl and step dad all around the table and monopoly but all eyes on england and eyes on motson who could not be seen but focused and kick off and it was ready
it was england but it was like them but it was not right not like germany and carl said maybe it was a one off then but it was england struggling like at newcastle it was hard and greek were fast and strong and going totally awag with outfield football ability and made england look like chesterfield but it was they were on top which is never right and never good to watch england playing like chesterfield all over the place and greece throwing everything chance after chance england no answer and no attacks scholes and gerrard going awag in a bad way in the middle of the park which is never a good sign we started with the Monopoly again from last night but the game was still left to be played and i am the tophat carl is the car and my step dad the boat and i own the gas works but it was harry selars for greek bang boom cross shot well struck greece goal explosion go directly to jail land on park lane at the same time which carl then bought but it was england madness and the bull fighters had taken the lead and then nothing better from england it was half time not looking good as i went for a ghost poo not using any paper to wipe which was lucky
then the second half happened they came out attacking a goal surrounded by england fans but it was the same as before only a different direction but it was all england behind both goals the greeks i do not now maybe well hidden we had chicken and chips to eat in between but no gravey then both England and monopoly kicked off again move past go two hundred fake pounds please as barmby went off who was poor on the left wing first half but on came cole who is rubbish at times but good but can be poor but did well and got the defence of the greeks in a muddle and cole behind power shot well saved but still mixed from england and all playing badly but appart from beckham who is he was is everywhere doing everyones job but only him and martin in goals are doing us proud then it happened on comes sheringham on he comes as sub off goes someone maybe fowler i cant remeber as i was buying hotels on regent street at the time but then corner ball down the left beckham crosses sheringham power bounce header boom bang goal england score and it was is 1-1 sheringham only on the pitch 2 seconds maybe less but first touch england are level immense old trafford ground explosion and i buy a house on old kent road
it is it now england are back and are looking to destroy the bull fighters but then with the crowd building up in to an awag volume exposion it was greeks again the minute later keown or ferdanand falls over slip slide gentle placement goal in to the corner 1-2 and carl throws the momopoly comunity chest across the room in temper cards go everywhere so much is shattered what now england let slip no way back but just like vale always hope and germany still being held by finland at home stay like this and england do go out but it will not happen more subs made macamanaman on for ash cole going all attack now and a couple of good chances but now only 5 minutes left of normal ref time greek goalkeeping man having total blinder nothing goes in just like goodlad when on form but it keeps going and england need it bad injury time added four minutes as carl wins monopoly building hotels on the gas works does not count but it is england moving forward 2 minutes left attacks more foiled again last minute of injury time arrives sheringham wins free kick 30 yards out but who to take beckham or gerrard but it is beckham had so many free kicks that after noon all not good but this one he can do it needs something special like brammer or mills about him from a dead ball situation steps up englands last hope smack bang boom curl bending goal dipping power goal explosion top corner AWAG not BROOKER but BECKHAM 2-2 as Old Trafford rose as one last minute and it is ultimate awag at its best and it is germany draw held no goals at home to finland or poland can not remember all a blur but it was BECKHAM pure magic dream free kick dipping goal explosion crowd explosion england pubs explosion birches head explosion all over the country AWAG EXPLOSION as England make the world cup somewhere next year and we had some tea to celebrate and will play monopoly again later
England Player ratings
Player ratings
Nigel Martin 8 (Englands best player who played in goal today for
england and made some good saves to stop nasty bad things happening and becoming real)
Gary Neville 6 (it was neville he is not great but can be good in a
good way but today he did get forward but not at his best which is
rare anyway but he was there is no one better which is a shame at right back)
Ashley Cole 6 (not special but it he i mean is a good one for future
events is ok but could of done better but let people get in behind
which is never good)
Martin Keown 6 (old now but still has a brain in his head inside his
skull which is in his head but he is old now)
Rio Ferdanand 6 (lots of talent a bit like michael walsh at vale but ferdanad is to cocky)
Steven Gerrard 5 (poor and not good i said before alcohol plays havoc with my tail maybe it was him drinking in mid week that affected his preformance i just do not now but he was poor)
David BECKHAM 10 (all were poor today outfield but BECKHAM was there doing things like a combination of Bridge Wilkinson Brammer and Naylor everywhere doing so much made a goal scored a goal)
Paul Scholes 5 (not he was not good he was bad had a volley well saved in the box but not good a passanger and kept not finding players in england shirts with his short passes)
Robbie Fowler 5 (did not go and do what it was it what the people said and score goals does things but is a poacher not enough hard work and things but a bit of an anigmer if truth be told)
Emile Heskey 6 (does things and is strong can be good but is not good at other times needs to do better more often like germany)
Nick Barnby 5 (not good but he can be but yet another who did not do well and did not link up i do not now)
subs
Teddy Sheringham 8 (sent the crowd in to pre awag moment of joy with a goal but was cut short but did well other wise)
Steve Macamanaman 6 (not much to make an impact but did not make as many mistake as in the last game for England at Newcastle)”
The end